SUPER
“Look down on me, you will see a fool. Look up at me; you will see your lord. Look straight at me, you will see yourself.” – Charles Manson
INT. CABIN – NIGHT
The back of a dental chair shakes on old rusty hinges. The walls and the floor are splattered with blood; the floor has human tissue and fingertips on it. There are jars with teeth in them on a shelf. Pliers, a propane torch and other dental tools sit on a dental chair table and the dental light is on.
VICTIM’s POV. Facing the chair we see an enraged DAVE HOLTON, mid-20s and overweight wearing a black hooded raincoat. DAVE is sweating and blood covers his nose and mouth. DAVE is holding a gun and preparing to shoot. The gun is pointed at the Victim.
DAVE – NARRATING
Stop.
Movement stops as we freeze on DAVE looking possessed.
DAVE – NARRATING (CON’T)
You may wonder how a fat ass wimpy white bread like me could be in this predicament.
Camera moves to a bloodied dead body on the floor.
DAVE – NARRATING (CON’T)
That can’t instill confidence either.
Victim’s POV. Still frozen on DAVE. Camera pans over DAVE’s shoulder and through the closed wall behind him to a bunch of cops also frozen in running movement, about to charge through, guns drawn.
DAVE – NARRATING (CON’T)
Most movies start out with a save the cat kind of moment. You know, the unlikely hero does something remarkable that makes you root for him throughout the film. (BEAT) I guess this aint that kind of movie.
SUPER
“The Knot”
SUPER
Inspired by true events.
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If you’re new here, please read this!
Great stuff Josh!
I always enjoy a good thriller.
Minor stuff I noticed:
- toward the bottom of this scene – “Camera pans over Dave’s should …” I think that should be “Dave’s shoulder”?
- The link in Scene 3 to go to Scene 4 actually points back to Scene 2
Looking forward for more:)
Thanks, Robert, and thanks for your feedback! Will make those changes right away and hope to see you in the film credits someday! : )
Josh- this is intriguing! Right away if grabs the viewer and drags them in to an uncomfortable spot- like a bad car wreck- you can’t look away. Where in the world did you get the idea to start this? Bad dreams? I’m sure someone knows someone who would pick this up- yay for networking. I hoping for a bit of a love scene sooner or later in here though.
Hey Kensie, thanks for stopping by. Don’t worry, love scenes happen as well, have to show off my sensitive side!
[...] – NARRATING Most movies end with a hero kind of moment. You know, against all odds the unlikely hero prevails. (Beat) I guess this aint that kind of [...]
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Found this cite while searching for info on The Knot screenplay that just sold. Obviously this isn’t it.
But I took a look at what you have here – just the first few scenes – and I have one major note that you should address if you want this to improve – you have a TON of passive voice.
Passive voice makes this more difficult to read. For example, “Dave is holding a gun and preparing to shoot. The gun is pointed at the Victim” would read better as “Dave grips a gun, aims it at the VICTIM.” Your whole script is full of moments like this – it’s on passive voice overload. You can trim a lot of fat by turning everything active. I suggest a pass on the whole script looking specifically for lines you can make active.
Thanks, Emily – super insightful! Much appreciated! : )